Toastmasters Icebreaker Speech!

Unlovable, quiet and not agreeable.

I was not a lovable child, and I have grown into a deeply unlovable adult. Draw a picture of my soul and it would be a scribble with Fangs.

Good evening, guests and fellow Toastmasters.

I begin my journey here at Toastmasters by clarifying that I have no fangs.

And with a quote by Gillian Flynn. You’d recognize her as the author of Gone Girl. It is the story of Amy Dunn, who stops at nothing to destroy the man who cheated on her. While that’s really an not acceptable reaction, it reveals two things about the human nature- The grim truth that damaged people are capable of grave cruelty. And the second truth- That we can actively choose to avoid that road.

Two years ago, I was working in Dubai, designing luxurious high end hospitality projects. There was a strict hierarchy in my office. Our team was small- full time employees, unpaid interns, two seniors and one project manager. The project manager held ultimate power. There was one oddity- nobody wanted to work under my project manager. I did not care why- I just wanted to do my job.

I learnt in no time that playground bullies grow up and then, they get leadership roles. I was new, enthusiastic and most importantly I was quiet- The perfect target. subtle disregard of personal boundaries, escalated to regular abuse. Sometimes I was quiet because I was stunned that a leader would bully its own team members. The other times because talking was futile- when everyone was angry, nobody was communicating and thanks to the deadlines, nobody was sleeping enough.

That’s how I enabled them to form the wrong idea- that I was open to abuse when in fact, I wanted to do my job without stepping into drama. So I spoke up. I was thorough about my observations and my arguments. I spoke the truth and I spoke it loud. I spoke up as easily as I had held my silence. People never expect the quiet ones to speak up.

My manager was not born this way, she was just deeply damaged. She hated herself and she did not know it. My team hopped on her sinking ship. They were staying afloat by mirroring her toxic behaviour, thus turning into her. They were burning out. I had to leave.

Damaged people, indeed, are capable of grave cruelty.

And then, there are the quiet ones. The quiet ones who are afraid and the ones who assume the world will understand their silence… Sadly, Both operate on fear- fear of being unpopular or the fear of confrontation. In life, both are unavoidable.

Being quiet when you should speak enables abuse. Denying yourself a voice is damaging yourself. It makes you immune to self-hate.

But then there are the other quiet ones- the ones who speak when they must, regardless of public opinion. The ones who address terrible things as they happen. The ones who speak without apology, and walk away bruised, but not as a doormat. They avoid taking that road to self-hate. Instead, they take the path that scares them but lets them sleep well.

Quiet is not a weakness, even in a world that constantly talks. The question is why and when do you break your silence?

That’s why perfectly okay to be quiet, unlovable but not agreeable.

Because as the lovely Gillian Flynn says, the face you give the world tells the world how to treat you. Thanks!